Swiggity Swooty. I'm currently in pursuit for that part of your body people refer to as "booty".

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What's big, black, wide, long, and has white lines all over it? A new highway road.

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Why did the tortoise beat the hare. The tortoise had carcinoma thyroid cancer in the renal pelvis uterur.

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Two strangers are sitting at a bar having a drink. One is a young, fat, red-headed guy named Fred. The other is an elderly grey-haired man. After a while, Fred turns to the old man and awkwardly asks: "Excuse me sir would ya' mind givin me some advice? There's this girl who has sat next to me on the bus every morning for the past three months. She's the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She always smiles and winks at me. I wannna ask her on a date but every time I go to do it I freeze. I just don't know what to say. I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm falling for this girl and I don't know what in the world to do. Any tips?" The old man continues to sit quietly, slowly sipping his drink. After a while the old man looks at Fred. "Hmmm" says the old man, as he thinks over Fred's question. "What is your name son?" He asks Fred. "It's Fred sir," replies Fred. "Hmmm," the old man says again as he continues to think over Fred's question. The old man then stands up, takes out a gun, and shoots Fred in the face. Fred never saw it coming.

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A duck walks into a 7-11 and says "Give me some chapstick, put it on my bill!" But the cash register attendee doesn't speak English and cannot understand him. He does, however, question whether his God is punishing him because as all people know, Ducks cannot speak, however, this hallucination must be punishment for a horrid misdeed. The employee breaks down into tears and begins reciting prayer. The duck, slightly miffed, walks out, pondering why he'd need chapstick anyway, since he has no lips.

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What did the Scorpio say to the Aquarius? "How's Uranus? Ohhhhh!" The Aquarius replied: "I have maggots."

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What do you call it when a drunk guy puts a tree in his house and then decorates his fireplace with his socks? Christmas (I didn't come up with this)

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wat?

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What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead black guy in the road? It doesn't matter, I cried after both

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Your mom is so fat, she has crippling depression and has tried killing herself three times.

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Why was the monkey on the floor? Because it was dead.

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your face.

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How do fish die in water? The BP oil spill

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lololololololololol

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What did the deaf, blind, poor orphan get for Christmas? Cancer

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How come the twin boys wanted to climb a tree for fun today? Because They both wanted to commit suicide...

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Why did tigger look in the toilet? Because he dropped his phone fell in.

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Wanna hear a joke womens rights

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Womens rights.

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why did the chicken cross the road. why? because he felt like it

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What do you call a supporter of Barrack Obama? A welfare recipient

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What is yellow and sleeps alone? Yoko Ono.

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What do you do when you're making out with your girlfriend? Play with another dude's ass.

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Why Can't Asian women drive? a: Cause they are chink assholes who have only peripheral vision

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Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

MOAR??

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