what was the first thing Barack Obama said to the people of america? ... hi

thumb_up thumb_down -44

Once there was a baby ostrich name Bert. He was the cutest ostrich with those big black beady eyes, fuzzy feathers and funny wobbly baby ostrich walk. I knelt down and as Bert came running towards me as if I were his ostrich father about to protect him from something dangerous. As he got within arm’s reach I punched him so hard he turned into a baby kitten. I decided that Bert was an ...insufficient name for a baby kitten so I said to the purring ball of fuzz “I shall call you Turtle” a kitten named Turtle was a very hilarious conundrum. Things went well for an hour or two and then Turtle decided to pee on my tile floors which infuriated me because everyone knows that cat pee doesn’t come out of carpet! I decided to teach Turtle a football drill called kick the cuddly baby kitten so hard he turns into a koala bear. I sat Turtle on a football tee and suddenly our eyes met and he stared at me with the cutest face a kitten has ever made I took three steps back and turned back towards him. I stared into his big baby kitten eyes and then at a running sprint kicked him as hard as I could into the wall. There was a quiet sound like that of a space shuttle taking off into outer space. As I looked to see where my kick had sent Turtle soaring through the air, I found to my surprise, Turtle had turned into a cute cuddly baby raccoon. I walked across the room and scooped up the adorable baby raccoon. A raccoon named turtle was just too absurd so I decided to give the furry ball of warmth a new and more appropriate name. I stared into his cute raccoon eyes and declared aloud, “I shall call you Dorito!” I rocked Dorito calmly back and forth in my arms until he was fast asleep. A thought then entered my head, how funny would it be to put Dorito into a chip bag? I chuckled aloud and then decided my mind was set. I pulled a chip bag out of my backpack and carefully pulled the bag open and realized I’d been scammed! Inside the bag was a single Dorito chip. I then ate my Doritos.

thumb_up thumb_down -74

Why do Jews have big noses? Because it is genetic.

thumb_up thumb_down -98

your matriarchal component is so overweight that her body mass index is over the desired level for her height and age

thumb_up thumb_down +73

A man walks into kindergarden class with a beer. He then gets arrested.

thumb_up thumb_down +67

A black man is playing guitar for a white man and a chinese man. After he is finished playing the white man and chinese man compliment him on his nice playing.

thumb_up thumb_down +63

A three legged dog walks into a saloon. He is quickly removed, as it was an establishment for humans and not for dogs.

thumb_up thumb_down +59

What is a terrible tragedy and wears ice skates? Holocaust; The musical on ice

thumb_up thumb_down +53

All dead all doom or all dead? How can you choose the question doesn't make sense. dead all dooom ohhhaklsdjfla;ksdjfal;skfjasd

thumb_up thumb_down +53

What is wrong with racism? A lot of things.

thumb_up thumb_down +49

Q: Whats worse then being murdered? A: Nothing

thumb_up thumb_down +43

A black guy walks in to a bar.

thumb_up thumb_down +43

What did the little boy find when he came home from school? His mother hanging from a tree.

thumb_up thumb_down +41

What's better than winning the special Olympics? Not being retarded.

thumb_up thumb_down +39

A black guy and a Mexican were in a car. Who was Driving? The police

thumb_up thumb_down +39

What did the 5 year old girl ask Santa for Christmas? A pony.

thumb_up thumb_down +39

Why did sally fall of the swing? She didn't have any arms. Knock knock. Who's there? Not Sally.

thumb_up thumb_down +39

STOP LOOKING AT MY JOKE

thumb_up thumb_down +39

What did the giraffe say to the monkey? Nothing

thumb_up thumb_down +37

Why can't Helen Keller drive? Shes dead.

thumb_up thumb_down +35

Why was grandma lying on the floor? She just died of lung cancer.

thumb_up thumb_down +35

Why did Hitler cross the road? Because he had already looked both ways. Only after practicing proper safety procedure did he venture across the busy thoroughfare to retrieve his asthma medication from his car.

thumb_up thumb_down +33

What do you call a black guy driving a plane? A pilot.

thumb_up thumb_down +31

Yo' momma's so fat that when she steps on the scales the number seen to appear is proportionately larger than that seen to appear when the average human steps on them.

thumb_up thumb_down +31

Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

MOAR??

Want more? You might be interested in...


Anti-Joke Chicken

Anti-Joke Triceratops