Hey Shea

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What did the Taliban teenager strap on his chest before getting on the bus? A blue rubber dildo.

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Whats louder than a dinosaur? 2 Dinosaurs

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What's worst than a worm in your apple? Finding your mom in a porno.

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How do you get a Jew to jump off a cliff? You kidnap his family and threaten to kill them if he doesn’t.

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Knock Knock. Who's There? Look through your peephole, you lazy bastard.

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Q: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? A: A Woodchuck, also known as a land beaver, weighs 4-9 lbs. We can use the average weight of 7 lbs for the woodchuck. A 7 lb woodchuck would burn 4.8 calories in 15 minutes if it were engaged in chopping wood. We can make an assumption that chopping and chucking wood would burn a similar amount of calories. 4.8 calories is the same as .0191 BTU in 15 minutes or .075 BTU per hour. (British Thermal Units) Now the other variable is the type of wood you are talking about. Different types of wood and different treatments have different mass. For example, properly seasoned oak firewood should have a moisture content below 20%. Freshly cut oak wood could be as high as 90%. So obviously the moisture content will play a large role in the amount of wood chuckable by the woodchuck. For this example we will use 20% moisture seasoned oak fire wood. Since woodchucks are native to the eastern part of north america we will use White Oak. A chord (128 cubic feet) of seasoned White Oak weights between 2880 – 3710 lbs We can take the average weight and use 3295 lbs per chord or 3295 lbs/128 cubic feet. One board foot = a board that is 12 in × 12 in × 1 in One chord = 1536 board feet according to Unit Converter Pro So now we can divide 1536 board feet into 3295 lbs and know that one board foot of Seasoned White Oak is 2.14 lbs/board foot. 3295/1536=2.14. Now here is where the math gets fun. We know a 7 lb woodchuck will burn .075 BTU’s chucking wood for an hour. We also know the wood he is chucking weighs 2.14 lbs per board foot. Now the question is how many BTU’s does it take to chuck 2.14 lbs, let’s say 1 foot? According to Newton’s Second Law of Motion, the net force on an object is dependent on the mass of the object, and its acceleration during the movement. Force = Mass x Acceleration The common unit of force is the Newton (N). One Newton is the force required to accelerate one kilogram of mass at 1 meter per second per second. 1 N = 1kg m/s2, lets convert our wood chucking to metric for a bit to figure out this conversion. .97 kg = 2.14 lbs. So the woodchuck would have to exert .97 Newtons in order to move the wood one meter. If we divide this by the number of feet in a meter 3.28 we get .29 Newtons. Now we know it takes .29 newtons to move 2.14 lbs of seasond white oak 1 foot. All we have to do now is figure out the number of BTU’s in .29 newton and a quick look at Unit Converter Pro tells us that .29 newton = .00027486696489 BTU. Now we know that it takes .00027 BTU to move 2.14 lbs or one board foot of Seasoned White Oak 1 foot. We also know that a 7 lb woodchuck burns .075 BTU per hour chucking wood. Finally we simply have to divide these two figures .00027486696489 BTU to move one board foot one foot/.075 BTU per hour and we get: .0036 board feet per hour Answer: A woodchuck would chuck .0036 board feet per hour of wood if a woodchuck could chuck wood! Or not!

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Why did the Muslim man burn the American flag? The flag had touched the ground, which, by tradition, means it has to be disposed. And the proper way of disposing it is by burning.

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What did the Amazonian tribesman say to the European explorer? Nothing, he was focussing on eating him.

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Q: If you are debating whether to smoke marijuana, consider: what will your mother say when she finds your corpse? A: As a relatively harmless and non-addictive substance, Marijuana was most likely not the cause of my child’s death. It was probably AIDS.

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A mexican, an Aisian, and a black guy are fighting in a dumpster. Who wins? The Mexican, why? Home court advantage!

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A mormon walks into a bar. The Bartender says "What can I get you" The Mormon says "Sparkling Water please. In my religion we don't drink alcohol."

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Why didn't little Timmy see the bus right before it hit him? Because he was blind

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Has anyone else noticed that the very least popular and the most popular anti-joke on this site are both related to the Holocaust.

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Q. What's the best thing to do before you get in a car accident? A. There's actually not much you can do in a car accident, considering you probably will never expect it, and it happens relatively too fast to react.

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A guy walks into a bar. He meets a girl and they have a great time. He calls her the next day and their relationship continues for many months. Eventually they get married and have children.

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there were ten in the bed and the little one said roll over so they all rolled over and one fell out then got back up and punched the little one in the face saying good night

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Q: how do u make a fireman cry? A: set his wife on fire

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Why does pavement get hot. Because it’s black. How could you tell she had bruises. Because they were black. Why did the boy drop out of school. Because he was dying of melanoma.

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Knock, knock! Who's there? No one. No one actually knocked on your door because this is just a joke.

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What did the pirate say to the ninja? I have aids.

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Whats worse than a dumpster full of dead babies? A landfill full of dead babies.

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knock knock whos there? andy andy who? andy gold hi come in

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What's big fat and ugly? A monster

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Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

MOAR??

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