Two pretzels were walking down the street. One was assaulted. The other, witnessing what he'd seen, developed a harsh stereotype.

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Why I am at the hospital now: True as it gets. I found on my working desk a small box of fluoride pills, I was like meh, but it said banana, strawberry, mint and pear, so I was like yeah! And grabbed a mouthful before going URGH! Then my friends entered laughing saying "I hope you do well on that test tomorrow!" So yeah, I passed out, and it turns out my "friends" (victims ill torture to they beg for death). 80 MG OF VALIUM!!! Yeah good trucking luck on my test eh? I nearly died twice, somehow, I think I should ask doc if my heart is okay or something, my head is fucked up the floor is all wavy and I cant differentiate numbers Seriously, one guy was gonna come visit say sorry, but he sent his girlfriend instead... My wife was so worried, that when I said: Mind if I have my vengeance by screwing his girlfriend? My wife said: I was so worried, you still okay? That actually sounds like a good scheme... So, yeah... I am typing this because, I am totally going to have a threesome... When and if my ever wakes up again... She agreed... She was always kinda into me but still! If you dont understand this, well... Next time, if you want to poison me, USE SOMETHING THAT KILLS ME! BECAUSE I WILL BE BACK!

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What do you call a room full of lawyers? A group of legally educated professionals.

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Why did the black man win the staring contest? He's good at staring

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How do you make an egg laugh? You can't. Eggs are inanimate objects which are incapable of emotion, thus laughter.

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why was six afraid of seven? Because seven brutally murdered six's family

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A man is on an operating table. His heart stops beating and he suddenly finds himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter approaches him. "Welcome, my son," St. Peter says. "I can't believe it," the man exclaims, "I've died and gone to Heaven! I-" St. Peter interrupts him. "Not quite yet, my son. You must first answer three questions. You will only enter Heaven if I deem you fit to do so." The man nervously agrees. "All right. First question," St. Peter says. "Did you ever commit a sin and never sought forgiveness?" The man thinks long and hard. "No, I always made sure to apologize." "Splendid," St. Peter responds. "Did you attend church every Sunday?" The man loses some of his former confidence. "I may have missed the odd week." "That's fine," says St. Peter. "One last question... Do you believe you are worthy of entering the Gates of Heaven?" The man answers nervously, "Well... yes, yes I do." St. Peter smiles. "Congratulations, my son. You have passed the test, and may enter Heaven!" The man is ecstatic as the pearly gates open up for him. He enters Heaven and is astounded by its magnificent beauty. The man then loses all brain function and dies on the operating table.

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What did he hellen keller say to her dad ? Nothing she cant talk

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Why did the car stop? There was a fridge in the road

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What do you call a guy so fat that he can't fit in a bath tub? A guy so fat that he can't fit in a bath tub.

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what do you say to the preacher when he walks into church? i dont fu***** know, im jewish.

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Roses are grey Violets are grey I am a dog.

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The closest I've been to an animal charity was when I walked past it to by myself a fur coat

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what's worse than waiting 45 minutes in an amusement park ride? getting your penis chopped off.

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Why did the black guy buy a jug of grape soda Because he was thirsty

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What do you call a black man who sells drugs? A pharmacist.

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Why did the girl fall off the swing? She was dead

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Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead.

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How do you confuse a blonde? Tell an Anti-Joke.

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What's the difference between an ostridge? It can neither fly.

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arse

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What do an elephant and a grape have in common? Well, depending on your ideological views they are either both God's creations or two examples of species which have evolved over time. That is all.

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What's heed and has wheels? Your mom.

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What's worse than dying? Living in Africa

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Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

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The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

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