- Anti Joke

A Mayor accidently killed one of the citizens of his town through dangerous driving. He could not be charged with murder, as it was an accident, but there was an uproar, and he was humiliated beyond question and forced out of office straight away. Even his family rejected him, owing to the fact that the unfortunate citizen he struck was his son's girlfriend.

Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 had a gun.

A jewish man runs into a wall with an erection. He broke his nose.

Pikachu walked into a bar. "GO, SQUIRTLE!" the bartender screamed. An epic Pokémon battle ensued, after they got drunk. The end. Pika pi!

How many chickens does it take for a cow to count on Tuesday? The same reason a horse got fired for seven plus one blue red green.

A Priest, a Rabbi, and an Orca Whale walk into a local eatery to discuss what is on their mind. The Priest says he is proud that even though their community is comprised of people residing in many different religions, they still work together to strive for a better tomorrow. The Rabbi nods his head in agreement,he states that he is proud of all the hard working men in their community that are willing to make sacrifices for the needy. The Orca Whale also nods in agreement and pauses for a moment to think while he insight-fully gleams at his two other friends. The Mighty Orca Whale then contributes to the conversation by saying eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrr!

Why did the little girl fall off of the swing set? Because she didn't have any arms.

Why did Justin Bieber wake up Lady Gaga? He needed to ask her a question.

Life gave me onions. Onionaide Sucks

your mom is so black that it can be assumed she is of african descent

Whats the difference between cake and dead babies? Cakes make people happy while dead babies are a sad and disturbing sight to see.

All of these jokes are about white people

What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza? The first is a person of the Jewish Faith and the other is a popular item of food.

Whats worse than contracting H.I.V.? nothing

Hey, is that your corvette? No, I thought it was yours.

What's worse than finding a worm in your pork? Finding half of a worm, because the worm you just ate is going to live in your stomach, breed, then come out your butt. Or the Apocalypse.

Knock, Knock Who's there? No one OK???? BYE, BYE U still there? Yeah Umm . . . ?

Dave Antliver was a longtime employee at the local dairy farm. He had long, grey, scraggly hair and old, cracked, circular-framed glasses and a straw, cowboy-style hat. He disliked his job, milking cows, because it was very repetitive and boring. His co-workers were smelly, loud and obnoxious. They gave him his name after he accepted a 5-dollar dare to swallow a handful of ants. The only enjoyment he got out of his day involved hiding from his despised wife, Muggly, and writing in his journal. Mr. Antliver took shelter in the faded-grey shed behind the house, it was his sanctuary. It stank of cat piss and many flying insects such as bees, wasps and hornets made their nest inside the shed. Antliver would lie down on the dusty, wooden floor, hiding under an old, tattered tarp in the shed to hide from the insects. This was quite successful, since he had only been stung a few times. In his journal, he wrote about a better life, one where he could participate in sexual intercourse with a shiny, magnificent ceiling fan; it was his fetish, his erotic pleasure. He knew that if he ever found one, he would name her Salikas. He needed Salikas to be a large fan, however, as participating in his favorite sexual activity would require her to be the dominant one. Antliver dreamed of Salikas, she had five aluminum, oval-shaped blades and most importantly, hung four feet below the ceiling when she spun, spinning at about 140 rpm. Antliver knew that if he could have Rotational Intercourse with Salikas, he would leave his dirty wife for good. Mr. Antliver took a broken, green crayon from his pocket and traced out a picture of sex with Salikas in his journal. After five minutes, his illustration was complete. In the picture, Dave was sitting on top of one of Salikas's blades while she was spinning, high above the ground. His penis was wrapped around that same blade, with sperm flowing down the fan blade and some of it flying into the air. A tear flowed down Antliver's cheek as he felt a strong craving for Salikas, while his erection begged him to find her. He peeked out from under the tarp in the shed and saw rain dripping down the shed window. The cloudy sky crackled with thunder. Antliver cried and whined for a few minutes, drenching his overalls in tears. He was 58 years old and had not yet found the love of his life. He then became silent, as an idea came to mind: he would measure the shed to see if he could mount Salikas on the ceiling. He examined his drawing and estimated that Salikas would take up about 4-5 feet in height, and require a 10-foot diameter, horizontal circle of space. He rummaged through the pile of clutter on the floor, pushing aside flower pots, the garden hose, porn magazines and beer bottles until finally, he found the measuring tape. He stood up with ambition, knocking over the grey trash can. He extended the yellow tape, holding it against the sides of the shed wall, checking for the highest inch-mark on the tape. "137 inches," he muttered to himself. After thinking for a second, Antliver shouted through his 10 teeth: "Yes! Baby, I can bring ya home!" All he had to do now is find his darling, his beloved angel. But where? He lived out in the country and he knew of no hardware or appliance stores where he could buy ceiling fans. Although his wife was a dirty rat who did nothing for him but steal his whiskey, Antliver did remember her talking about the Amazon, which one could use on a computer to order a wide variety of products, and have them delivered to his house. He and his (current) wife didn't own a computer, as they were quite poor. She couldn't produce much money from scrubbing toilets at the local elementary school so they couldn't afford one. She once told him that he might be able to use the Amazon if he hadn't blown all their savings on alcohol. That was the reality then, but not anymore. Antliver had a plan, he would get his hands on a computer, no matter what it takes. He thought of the surrounding area: there was Juggy's house, Marv and Gorgus's house, but most importantly: Stalpus's house! Stalpus was a longtime friend of Dave's who got his name from "stale pus," but Antliver didn't know nor care what that meant. All that mattered is that Stalpus had a computer. It then dawned on Antliver, he would go to Stalpus's house and ask if he could use the computer for a while. Due to Antliver's alcohol addiction, there was no money left to fix the ancient beaten-up car he owned. After travelling down the dirt road for an hour and a half, Antliver arrived at his friend's house. He knocked on the door, and after 10 seconds, Stalpus showed up. "What'dya want, ol' Dave?" "Stalpus, I needa use yer computer," Antliver replied. "Yeh, okay, Dave, why'dya need it?" "I needa find ma wife," Antliver replied. Stalpus snickered and replied: "But Dave, she's at yer house, ya nitwit." "No she ain't not!" Antliver shot back, angrily. "Whoa, settle doon, Davey, ya can use ma computer ta find her." 10 minutes later, Stalpus was directing Antliver to the Amazon website. "How'd I find a ceiling fan?" Antliver asked. "Just type it in dat box over dere." Antliver typed in "ceiling fan" and pressed enter. A large number of ceiling fans were found, to his excitement. He browsed for a few minutes and came upon a huge, 9-foot wide industrial fan. "Salikas!" he screamed, "I found ya, my love!" Beside the "Add to Cart" option, the price glared at Antliver: 299.99$! "Aw damnit, deez rascals want ma money for ma wife! It's a randsome! Oh fuck, she's bein' held hostage! I gotta get her back!" "Calm down, ya dumb ass, " pleaded Stalpus. "Ya just gotta pay for her." "I don't got the cash!" Antliver angrily shouted back. "Listen, ya said you were lookin' fer yer wife, not some stupid fan!" mocked Stalpus. Antliver growled, stood up and picked up the wooden chair below, lifting it over his head. He violently struck Stalpus over the head, knocking him to the floor. He brought the chair down over his friend's head several more times, leaving him with a fractured skull and a fatal amount of lost blood. Antliver hurled the blood-stained chair to the floor, braking off two of its legs. He then proceeded to scavenge the house frantically for money. 10 minutes later, he located a hidden box under Stalpus's bed, upstairs. It had a bunch of coins and bills cluttered inside. He began to count the wages when he heard the door downstairs swing open. "Stalpus, honey, I'm hom... AHHHHHHHH!" she shrieked, as she discovered the lifeless body of her husband. Antliver heard her rushed footsteps as she ran into the kitchen below. Briefly afterward, she was breathing heavily, desperately trying to reach the police via telephone. Antliver knew that he wouldn't have much time before the police would arrive at the residence. He snatched up the money in a hurry, stuffing it into the pocket of his overalls. He bolted down the stairs, and snagged the computer monitor, ripping the cord out of the wall, in front of Stalpus's wailing wife, who was pressed up against the wall, terrified by Antliver's presence. With his hands full, Antliver kicked open the wooden front door, fracturing it at the hinges, and darted down the dirt road. After running for a few minutes, Mr. Antliver heard sirens wailing in the distance over his loud panting. They were getting louder so he veered off into an open field, covered in sweat and wheezing but still jogging forward. The sirens were getting louder and judging by their sound, Antliver knew they would be on top of him soon. He took a glance over his shoulder and saw a police car screech to a stop on the side of the road. An officer was already running after him. "Hey, you, stop right there!" the policeman exclaimed as he began to chase Antliver. Panting heavily, Antliver's stamina began to fade; he could barely hold the computer monitor any longer. He could hear the officer's footsteps getting closer and closer. Antliver knew he couldn't outrun the officer, so he turned around and smashed the officer with the computer monitor. It was a clean hit to the right shoulder that staggered the policeman, who then clutched his shoulder in pain. After recoiling sideways, Antliver delivered another heavy blow, this time to the head. The officer dropped to the ground and screamed but managed to pull out his pistol, firing a shot into Antliver's chest before he could bring the monitor down again. Antliver stumbled and fell over. He dropped the monitor to his side, gravely injured. His journal fell out of his pocket in front of him. With his last breaths, Antliver flipped to the page with the picture of Salikas, his love. "My baby... I will... never give... up... on... y..." Those were his last words, he never got to see his true love, his beautiful, sexy, 5-bladed beauty.

What is harder than Jenga? Being a quadraplegic.

Face down, ass up. Thats the way I like to sleep

Why did Suzie die? She ate too many fried twinkies.

Jess Burns

Why did the boy cry? His Parents died.

When is the best time to wear a striped sweater? All the time

Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

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