Why did Susie fall off the swing? She has no arms. Knock knock. Who's there? Not Susie.

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Why did the witch stay up all night with a broken broomstick? Because she couldn't sweep.

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Knock Knock. Who's there? Your worst nightmare!! Ohh.... Do come in it's raining outside.

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what's the difference between northerners and southerners? southerners live to the south of birmingham, and they don,t stink of urine.

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I once met a man named Steve. I said, "Hello."

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Why did Michael Jackson name his kid blanket? Because after years of drug abuse and sexual insecurity led to him thinking unrealistically during the birth of his children.

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Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, this captain and his crew were always in danger of being boarded by pirates from a pirate ship. One day while they were sailing, they saw that a pirate ship had sent a boarding party to try and board their ship. The crew became worried, but the Captain was calm. He bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The First Mate quickly got the Captain's red shirt, which the captain put on. Then he led his crew into battle against the mean pirates. Although there were some casualties among the crew, the pirates were defeated. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending two boarding parties towards their ship. The crew was nervous, but the Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on! The Captain and his crew fought off the boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's events when an ensign looked at the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?" The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, explained, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the blood, so you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence. They were amazed at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, 'Bring me my white flag!"

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Three people are stranded on an island. They didn't want to eat each other because they were friends. They died of starvation.

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Say you are caught in a net with 10 other people in said net at a construction site. A pair of scissors are right next to you and everyone said to use the scissors. But instead of using the scissors, you use your teeth in risk of a broken tooth.

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Why did the rabbit cross the road? ..It was stapled to the chicken.

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How did the dragon get AIDS? He had sex with an HIV positive dragon months prior.

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Jamie stegman liked doodle alot. Yummy he thought to himself as it entered his mouth.

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how do you kill a man? slowly saw off all their limbs and then jump up and down on the torso and let all the organs fly out

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How did Notre Dame football stay so popular in spite of decades of mediocrity? Catholicism.

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Why did Bob throw butter out the window, Because he is mentally retarded.

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Why did the plane to New York not land? It was redirected to Boston because of inclement weather.

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What did one lawyer say to the other lawyer? We are both lawyers.

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What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? The Holocaust What's worse than the Holocaust? Finding two worms in your apple. What's worse than that? Dying. What's worse than dying? Finding three worms in your apple.

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How many Italians does it take to change a light bulb....... 1

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Your Mum's so fat, she's going to die.

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What's brown and green, has six legs and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you? A pool table.

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What's worse than chicken pox? AIDs.

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So there's this guy, and he's trying to screw in a lightbulb, right? Well, he did it. Hoorah. His wife was proud.

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Why did the two blonds go to the bar together? Because they were carpooling to save money and help save the earths ozone layer that seals in all of our oxygen. They were also meeting some friends.

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Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

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