- Anti Joke

Why was the prison full of black people? Because they were all their for security internships.

Q: whats worse than being in the car for 1hour A: being in the car for 2 hours Made by: grant chapman:)

A Priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar together. They discuss the fundamentals and aspects of Religion.

Bill: Knock, Knock. Sean: Who's there? Bill: It's your neighbor, Bill Walters, from across the street. Sean: Oh, hey Bill, how are you and Margie? Bill: Oh, I'm doing fine, but Margie just got out of the hospital for a broken arm. Sean: My gosh, what happened. Bill: She was just loading the Halloween decorations down from the attic while I wasn't home and fell. She's fine though; it was only a minor fracture. Sean: Well thank goodness she alright. Bill: Anyway, I came over to return those hedge clippers I borrowed from you last month. Sean: Oh, thank you. How did they work? Bill: Just great once I gave them a coat of oil. It was a big job... I haven't trimmed those bushes in three years. Sean: Yeah, these clippers have belonged to my grandfather, father, and me. Bill: Darn, thats quite amazing, I wish I could get a pair of those, but I doubt they still make them. Sean: I'm pretty confident they don't, but you can borrow these anytime. Bill: Thanks Sean thats very generous of you. Sean: No problem, I almost never use them myself. Well I better get back to Jeanie...I'm helping her make dinner. Bill: Alright, Well thanks again.

Gary: How many sides does a triangle have? Juan: 2? Gary: Nope, it's 3, nice try

Why did the woman go in a elevator with Ray Rice? Because they were both going to the 25th floor and stairs would take too long.

How did Doris respond to Uncle Monty's innapropriate chewing of her nose, ears and eyelids? She cut his head off, placed it an a saucepan, boiled and seasoned it, and then sold it to the middle east. The middle east were very grateful, and sent Doris a camel's penis as a thankyou gift.

Man#1: Who's John? Man#2: John is John. Who else do you want him to be? Why do you ask stupid questions? Are you naturally this dumb? Do you like the questions I ask? Man#1: (Turns away as he is deeply offended by the man who rudely answered his question.)

Why didn't suzie eat? Because she wasn't hungry

A Blonde arives at the airport late, and misses her flight. The airline provides her with a complimentary ticket for a later flight and she departs on that.

Wow! I've seen this joke before!

Pokemon go: Team mystic

What did the Muslim do on 911? He weeped for the loss of his many good friends and relatives

Why did the dog bark? Who knows, dogs bark for many reasons unknown to humans.

One day in Africa there was a family of Americans touring an African village. They were a happily married couple with a four year old son. This day however was a very sad day because a group of elephants came trampling through the village. The couple left there kids inside and went to help control the elephants. however the elephants killed them all with their feet. Now the little boy wandered outside because after all he was just a little boy. He was about to be killed when a baby elephant calmed down his mom, so he saved his life. The baby elephant then took the little boy back to the airport by which the married couple came because elephants are very smart. The boy didnt want to leave his new found friend the baby elephant but the little boy was then sent back and lived with his Uncle. When he was older, he had a child of his own, a little boy. One day he decided to take his son to a circus, that was from Africa. He didnt realize there would be elephants there. This day the elephants got spooked by a mice and started to stomp all around. Then the man realized his son was missing. He looked down to find his son about to be stomped on by this old elephant. Just as the elephant was about to stomp he and the man made eye contact. The man thought noticed the look in that elephants eyes, like he reconized them. He thought mabye, just mabye it was the same elephant he was saved by. Turns out it wasn't and the elephant killed his son.

Why did the father and his son drop their cola? Because a meteor hit and killed all life on Planet Earth.

Whats worse than biting into an apple and finding half a worm? Half a shit.

Dave Antliver was a longtime employee at the local dairy farm. He had long, grey, scraggly hair and old, cracked, circular-framed glasses and a straw, cowboy-style hat. He disliked his job, milking cows, because it was very repetitive and boring. His co-workers were smelly, loud and obnoxious. They gave him his name after he accepted a 5-dollar dare to swallow a handful of ants. The only enjoyment he got out of his day involved hiding from his despised wife, Muggly, and writing in his journal. Mr. Antliver took shelter in the faded-grey shed behind the house, it was his sanctuary. It stank of cat piss and many flying insects such as bees, wasps and hornets made their nest inside the shed. Antliver would lie down on the dusty, wooden floor, hiding under an old, tattered tarp in the shed to hide from the insects. This was quite successful, since he had only been stung a few times. In his journal, he wrote about a better life, one where he could participate in sexual intercourse with a shiny, magnificent ceiling fan; it was his fetish, his erotic pleasure. He knew that if he ever found one, he would name her Salikas. He needed Salikas to be a large fan, however, as participating in his favorite sexual activity would require her to be the dominant one. Antliver dreamed of Salikas, she had five aluminum, oval-shaped blades and most importantly, hung four feet below the ceiling when she spun, spinning at about 140 rpm. Antliver knew that if he could have Rotational Intercourse with Salikas, he would leave his dirty wife for good. Mr. Antliver took a broken, green crayon from his pocket and traced out a picture of sex with Salikas in his journal. After five minutes, his illustration was complete. In the picture, Dave was sitting on top of one of Salikas's blades while she was spinning, high above the ground. His penis was wrapped around that same blade, with sperm flowing down the fan blade and some of it flying into the air. A tear flowed down Antliver's cheek as he felt a strong craving for Salikas, while his erection begged him to find her. He peeked out from under the tarp in the shed and saw rain dripping down the shed window. The cloudy sky crackled with thunder. Antliver cried and whined for a few minutes, drenching his overalls in tears. He was 58 years old and had not yet found the love of his life. He then became silent, as an idea came to mind: he would measure the shed to see if he could mount Salikas on the ceiling. He examined his drawing and estimated that Salikas would take up about 4-5 feet in height, and require a 10-foot diameter, horizontal circle of space. He rummaged through the pile of clutter on the floor, pushing aside flower pots, the garden hose, porn magazines and beer bottles until finally, he found the measuring tape. He stood up with ambition, knocking over the grey trash can. He extended the yellow tape, holding it against the sides of the shed wall, checking for the highest inch-mark on the tape. "137 inches," he muttered to himself. After thinking for a second, Antliver shouted through his 10 teeth: "Yes! Baby, I can bring ya home!" All he had to do now is find his darling, his beloved angel. But where? He lived out in the country and he knew of no hardware or appliance stores where he could buy ceiling fans. Although his wife was a dirty rat who did nothing for him but steal his whiskey, Antliver did remember her talking about the Amazon, which one could use on a computer to order a wide variety of products, and have them delivered to his house. He and his (current) wife didn't own a computer, as they were quite poor. She couldn't produce much money from scrubbing toilets at the local elementary school so they couldn't afford one. She once told him that he might be able to use the Amazon if he hadn't blown all their savings on alcohol. That was the reality then, but not anymore. Antliver had a plan, he would get his hands on a computer, no matter what it takes. He thought of the surrounding area: there was Juggy's house, Marv and Gorgus's house, but most importantly: Stalpus's house! Stalpus was a longtime friend of Dave's who got his name from "stale pus," but Antliver didn't know nor care what that meant. All that mattered is that Stalpus had a computer. It then dawned on Antliver, he would go to Stalpus's house and ask if he could use the computer for a while. Due to Antliver's alcohol addiction, there was no money left to fix the ancient beaten-up car he owned. After travelling down the dirt road for an hour and a half, Antliver arrived at his friend's house. He knocked on the door, and after 10 seconds, Stalpus showed up. "What'dya want, ol' Dave?" "Stalpus, I needa use yer computer," Antliver replied. "Yeh, okay, Dave, why'dya need it?" "I needa find ma wife," Antliver replied. Stalpus snickered and replied: "But Dave, she's at yer house, ya nitwit." "No she ain't not!" Antliver shot back, angrily. "Whoa, settle doon, Davey, ya can use ma computer ta find her." 10 minutes later, Stalpus was directing Antliver to the Amazon website. "How'd I find a ceiling fan?" Antliver asked. "Just type it in dat box over dere." Antliver typed in "ceiling fan" and pressed enter. A large number of ceiling fans were found, to his excitement. He browsed for a few minutes and came upon a huge, 9-foot wide industrial fan. "Salikas!" he screamed, "I found ya, my love!" Beside the "Add to Cart" option, the price glared at Antliver: 299.99$! "Aw damnit, deez rascals want ma money for ma wife! It's a randsome! Oh fuck, she's bein' held hostage! I gotta get her back!" "Calm down, ya dumb ass, " pleaded Stalpus. "Ya just gotta pay for her." "I don't got the cash!" Antliver angrily shouted back. "Listen, ya said you were lookin' fer yer wife, not some stupid fan!" mocked Stalpus. Antliver growled, stood up and picked up the wooden chair below, lifting it over his head. He violently struck Stalpus over the head, knocking him to the floor. He brought the chair down over his friend's head several more times, leaving him with a fractured skull and a fatal amount of lost blood. Antliver hurled the blood-stained chair to the floor, braking off two of its legs. He then proceeded to scavenge the house frantically for money. 10 minutes later, he located a hidden box under Stalpus's bed, upstairs. It had a bunch of coins and bills cluttered inside. He began to count the wages when he heard the door downstairs swing open. "Stalpus, honey, I'm hom... AHHHHHHHH!" she shrieked, as she discovered the lifeless body of her husband. Antliver heard her rushed footsteps as she ran into the kitchen below. Briefly afterward, she was breathing heavily, desperately trying to reach the police via telephone. Antliver knew that he wouldn't have much time before the police would arrive at the residence. He snatched up the money in a hurry, stuffing it into the pocket of his overalls. He bolted down the stairs, and snagged the computer monitor, ripping the cord out of the wall, in front of Stalpus's wailing wife, who was pressed up against the wall, terrified by Antliver's presence. With his hands full, Antliver kicked open the wooden front door, fracturing it at the hinges, and darted down the dirt road. After running for a few minutes, Mr. Antliver heard sirens wailing in the distance over his loud panting. They were getting louder so he veered off into an open field, covered in sweat and wheezing but still jogging forward. The sirens were getting louder and judging by their sound, Antliver knew they would be on top of him soon. He took a glance over his shoulder and saw a police car screech to a stop on the side of the road. An officer was already running after him. "Hey, you, stop right there!" the policeman exclaimed as he began to chase Antliver. Panting heavily, Antliver's stamina began to fade; he could barely hold the computer monitor any longer. He could hear the officer's footsteps getting closer and closer. Antliver knew he couldn't outrun the officer, so he turned around and smashed the officer with the computer monitor. It was a clean hit to the right shoulder that staggered the policeman, who then clutched his shoulder in pain. After recoiling sideways, Antliver delivered another heavy blow, this time to the head. The officer dropped to the ground and screamed but managed to pull out his pistol, firing a shot into Antliver's chest before he could bring the monitor down again. Antliver stumbled and fell over. He dropped the monitor to his side, gravely injured. His journal fell out of his pocket in front of him. With his last breaths, Antliver flipped to the page with the picture of Salikas, his love. "My baby... I will... never give... up... on... y..." Those were his last words, he never got to see his true love, his beautiful, sexy, 5-bladed beauty.

Women's rights.

so you're waling through the desert and a tire falls off your canoe. How many pancakes does it take to shingle a doghouse?

What did the man say to his dead wife? "I'm Blind."

What do you call a guy who has sex with kids? A child molester

Q: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? A: None. Woodchucks do not have opposable thumbs and cannot grasp or throw anything, so the point is moot unless they evolve thumbs for the sole purpose of chucking wood.

Why is meth so addicting? Why? Hang on, i gotta go do some meth

Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK! Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

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