A duck walks into a bar.... Duck: Can I have a glass of water? Bartender: How would you like to pay for it? Duck: Put it on my bill

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What's the difference between red paint and blue paint? One looks like blood and is used a lot in restaurants. The other is blue.

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Why did Doris want to father children? Because she wanted to have a fry-up with the leftover baby oil

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If God gives you lemons you find a new God

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What do you call a women with two black eyes? Someone trapped in the cycle of violence that is domestic abuse. The few friends and family members she still speaks with tell she should leave. They don't know about the last time she threatened to leave him, when he held a gun to her throat and screamed "You try an leave me I'll kill you and your precious god damn babies!" Now she suffers silently for fear of what he might do to her family, but is increasingly worried about the way her husband has begun looking at their 13 year old daughter. Every night she kneels at the foot of her bed and prays for death, over the sounds of her own sobbing and her husbands drunken rage. Also she is a slow learner.

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why am i so pretty? because god blessed me with good looks

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why did everyone laugh at the kid in the wheel chair as he entered the room? he was poor

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NASA sent a probe to Uranus and wondered why people were laughing.

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How do you make a puppy stop barking? Throw a brick at it.

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What would happen if you threw 50 plates off of your roof? Nothing. No one in their right mind would do that. Besides, who owns 50 plates?

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Yo mama so fat... Her doctor told her she's morbidly obese and she has 2 years to live if she doesn't change her eating habits and exercise regularily.

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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all walked into a bar. But, the bartender was not happy, as he had noticed that each of them were wearing tops with rude slogans on them. The Bartender said to the Englishman, "you do know that your t-shirt isn't suitable for the children in here, don't you?" "Oh," said the Englishman, "I'm sorry, I'll go home to change it at once." Next, came the Irishman, who's top was slightly worse than the Englishman's. The bartender said to the Irishman, "you do know that the joke on your jumper is sexist, don't you?" "Oh," said the Irishman, "I'm sorry, I'll go home and change it at once." Last, was the Scotsman. The Scotsman's top was particularly bad, and the bartender especially did not want this top to be seen in his bar. So, the bartender said to the Scotsman, "you do know that the slogan on your cardigan is racist, don't you?" "Oh," said the scotsman, "I'll go home and change it at once."

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A horse walks into the bar. The bartender asks "why the long face" Turns out the horse's family died that evening.

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An alligator was found wearing a vest. The investigator had no comment... As alligators are incapable of speech. ^^^

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What did Shaggy say to Scooby before they got in the Mystery Machine? Scooby, get in the Mystery Machine.

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Why don't elderly people act their age? because they die.

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Johnny tried talking to his dog, there was no response.

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Want to hear a scary story?' I was droppin a two ball and the monster walked in

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How do you wake up Lady Gaga? Shit on her face

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A white guy, a black guy, an Asian guy, and a Hispanic guy walks into a bar. The white guy orders a beer, the black guy orders a shot of vodka, the Asian guy orders a sake, and the Hispanic guy orders a shot of tequila. They were drinking and having a great time.

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How do you confuse Hellen Keller? You write a really difficult riddle in braille and tell her to solve it.

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Micheal jackson had half a pie, Fred had the other half of the pie, They both shared a pie.

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what did the Nazi do when his Jewish rabbit died? silly Nazi rabbits don't have religion

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whats short and has spots? A mouse with the chicken pocks.

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Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

MOAR??

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