What is the only day of the year when you're guaranteed to find me? The day I kill you.

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What did Goldilocks say to the three bears? She asked them how bears make porridge without opposable thumbs.

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what did the man say to the other man he bumped into? sorry. and they never saw eachother again

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Why did my son fall off of his bicycle? Because I hit him with a steak.

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I just threw up..In my pants.

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what does a deer and grass have in common? they are both green but i lied about the deer

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Why was Barack Obama wearing a Justin Bieber T-Shirt and slapping you with a pitchfork? Because you didn't listen to me when I told you to stop doing shrooms

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Joe Paterno walks into a bar...he should've walked into a police station and filed a report.

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An Indian, American and French man walk into the bar simultaneously. Unfortunately, they get stuck in the door.

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what is this joke about? - i don't know i am still writing the j

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Whats In My Trash? Bears

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Jim and Larry work together. Jim works hard, and Larry is a bit of a prankster. One day, Jim is having a rather rough day, and Larry looks to cheer him up with a good-natured joke. Knowing that Jim's wife prepares dinner for him every night of the week, he calls her and tells her that their boss has decided to pay for a dinner out, that she should take the day off and just get ready for Jim to come home and pick her up. Larry will later follow up by calling a pizza delivery place and having them send a special no hard feeling message with two large delicious pizzas. He forgets to call the pizza delivery man until later that night, after which it's too late and he thinks "I'll just explain the joke to Jim tomorrow." And goes peacefully to sleep. Arriving home and finding that dinner is not prepared, Jim savagely beats his wife.

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Whats the difference between a pizza and a black man. A pizza can feed a family of five.

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Why did the chicken cross the road? Earlier that morning the farmer's daughter had inadvertently left the gate to the yard open as she was preoccupied by her worry over a maths test set for that day. She hadn't studied for the test as she was still deeply distressed over her fathers recent heart attack. This, coupled with the added burden of household chores now delegated to her because her mother was out trying to get the west field prepared for sowing, had made her quite forgetful and distracted of late. Whilst several chickens escaped, only one strayed so far that it actually encountered the road facing the farm. After crossing the road and gorging itself in a soy-bean crop, the chicken was struck by a furniture remover's van as it attempted to make its way home. Several hours later the dead chicken was spotted by a Community Mental Health Worker who was doing his bi-weekly rural clinic run. The chicken, being a bantam, caught the eye of the Mental Health worker, who was a keen trout fisherman. "Cool" thought the mental health worker- "those feathers will make for excellent trout flies". He stopped and plucked a handful of the most iridescent blue, green and orange feathers and placed them in an envelope. He rolled himself a cigarette, sat on the trunk of his car and admired the clouds. "God, I love this job", he muttered to no one in particular.

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Why'd the chicken cross the road? To visit the graves of his wife and only daughter who were killed in a car accident at the fault of a drunk driver many years prior.

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Q- what's the difference between a trampoline and a baby? A- you take of your shoes to jump on a trampoline

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how many Mexicans does it take to fix a light bulb? One, a Mexican can fix any thing.

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Q: What's the difference between a stick in the road and a baby in the road? A: You swerve around the stick

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Why did the girl kill herself? she was depressed.

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What's the main difference between an angry white man and an angry black man? The angry black man is probably of African descent.

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A horse walks in to a bar. The bartender asks: "why the long face?" The horse didn't respond, because it's a horse.

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Why did the little girl fall off the swing? a fridge was thrown at her

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whats used in the kitchen and hurts like fuck? a cheese-grater dildo

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Roses are red Violets are blue Violets are actually purple or white

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Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

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