How many software professionals does it take to get a file committed to source control? Well, today it took five.

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Roses are red Violets are blue I like peanut butter Can you fly?

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How do you wake up Lady Gaga? You poke-her-face

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I completely thought you where bullshitting me, how come I never noticed before? How and why?

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What do you call a guy who has sex with kids? A child molester

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So a guy and his monkey walk into a bar I don't remember the rest of the joke but you mom is a whore

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what was postman pat's name before he was a postman? Pat.

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Pain Olympics.

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Have you seen Steve Wonder's house? No. It's okay, neither has he.

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Why can't blondes change a lightbulb? Because they're women

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Har har hey

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a blond was walking across a river thinking how do I get across. when she saw another blond. and asked how do I get to the other side and the other said your already on the other side.

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A Muslim walks into a bar He immediatley turns around and leaves as his religious beliefs forbid consumption of alcoholic beverages.

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What did the rainbow sun say to the flower-faced elephant? "Want some tea and hamsters?" I'm addicted to acid.

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Three men are stranded, mid-ocean, in a small rowboat. They realize quickly that their imminent demise is slowly creeping into the forefront of their consciousnesses. Just as all hope seem to be lost, one man noticed an island covered in luscious foliage about five hundred yards away. A problem reared it's head as it became apparent that an unrelenting riptide was dragging the boat further and further from the shore and, in turn, salvation. It became further apparent that the men would have to abandon their rickety rowboat and swim the rest of the way. The first man bravely jumps into the vast uncertainty of the ocean and attempts to swim to shore. He is met by a large shark that promptly severs his arm from his body. A bloody mess, he manages to touch down on the sandy beach. The second man, more reluctantly, also jumps in. He balanced his chances: "100% death in the boat vs. uncertainty in the ocean." Like the first man, the second man meets the shark's vicious bite. His leg is severed and he too drags himself, bloody, to the warm embrace of sand and freedom. The third man, sure that he would be bitten also, jumps into the ocean and swims to shore. Alas! The third man arrived on the island unscathed and completely fine. Perplexed, the first two men asked the third why the shark did not attack him. The third man simply smiled and replied..."what do you expect me for, a typewriter?"

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What doesn't kill you makes you stronger....... unless it is a nonkiller disease that makes you extremely weak :D

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Why did the first monkey fall out of the tree? Because he was dead. Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? It was stapled to the first one. Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? Monkey see, monkey do.

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What do you call an Asian man in a car? A motorist.

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Touche.try eating something, I eat low carb crap when I am too sleepy, and today I guess it works.

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How many black people does it take to screw in a light bulb. One

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Why did the dog lick the boy's leg? Cause when the boy blew up his leg landed in the doghouse

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A bird flew into a cave and Batman said, "GET OOOUUUTTT!"

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What did Santa say to the prostitute? "Merry Christmas!"

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What's worse than getting hit by a bus? Getting hit by two buses.

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Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

MOAR??

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