Patient- "Doctor, doctor help me! I've only got 59 seconds to live!" Doctor- "I'll be there in a minute."

thumb_up thumb_down -5

Jesus walks into a hotel, slams four nails down on the counter, and says, "Put me up for the night!" The concierge looks at him and says, "You're not Jesus. Jesus was brutally murdered approximately 1,970 years ago. And although I may not be a believer, his teachings have brought comfort and solace to millions of people around the world. Nor do we accept nails as payment. Please remove yourself from the premises or I will call security."

thumb_up thumb_down +43

Timmy needed to use the restroom in class, so he raised his hand and asked, "Can I go use the restroom?". The teacher said " I don't know, CAN you?" Timmy said, "When I was using "can" I was using its secondary model form as a verbal modifier asking for permission, as opposed to expressing an ability. I thought since you were a teacher you'd know that. My bad. MAY I use the restroom?"

thumb_up thumb_down +25

Bitch! Love, J.B.

thumb_up thumb_down +2

Want to hear a joke? ... Oh dear, I can't think of any. Golly, this is embarrassing.

thumb_up thumb_down -25

I got into an argument with my friend the other day. He contested that the onion was the only food that could make you cry, so I beat his wife to death with a coconut,

thumb_up thumb_down +12

Who won the race across the highway, the Mexican or the Frenchman? Neither, as they were struck by a mac truck when attempting to run across the highway and were both killed instantly on impact.

thumb_up thumb_down +34

Gay republicans

thumb_up thumb_down -3

Why didn't the man win the lottery? Because his lottery numbers weren't drawn.

thumb_up thumb_down +6

Mum makes $97 per hour working online? Offline I can see , but online, mmm pull the other one, it plays lossless codecs

thumb_up thumb_down +3

Roses are red Violets are blue And so avatars And so is blue paint

thumb_up thumb_down -29

And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

thumb_up thumb_down +1

I jizzed in my pants. It tasted good

thumb_up thumb_down +24

Your mother is so fat that when she went to get weighed she was diagnosed as clinically obese and later broke down into tears.

thumb_up thumb_down +6

Why did the chicken cross the road? He didn't because he was dead.

thumb_up thumb_down +21

What do you call a KKK member? ...racist

thumb_up thumb_down -8

what happens when chuck norris loses his hokey-bar? your mother

thumb_up thumb_down -8

What did the woman find when she got home from the post office? Her son's corpse hanging from a clothes hanger. She was an abusive mom, and he killed himself.

thumb_up thumb_down -8

why does david stutter during meetings. because he smiles till his cheeks hurt

thumb_up thumb_down -8

How do you confuse a blonde? Tell her to jump over your car, then drive by in a truck

thumb_up thumb_down -8

Why doesn't the little boy talk to his mom? Because she smells like barbecue sauce.

thumb_up thumb_down -8

Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new house? Its very nice.

thumb_up thumb_down -8

WWII veteran screamed! "You damn yellow monkey" "But sir... ...my fur is brown!" Replied the monkey.

thumb_up thumb_down -8

What is big and white and will kill you if it falls from a tree? I don't know. I cant think f anything big and white that fall from trees that can kill you and besides if it is big enough to kill you then you will likely see it and avoid the section of that tree lest the big white object should fall and kill you because of this it is likely that anything that is big and white and falls from trees will in result kill you.

thumb_up thumb_down +18

Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

MOAR??

Want more? You might be interested in...


Anti-Joke Chicken

Anti-Joke Triceratops