- Anti Joke

Old McDonald had a farm. He grew corn there, and got reasonably wealthy. Then he retired to the Bahamas.

What would you call the jetsons if they were black? Niggers

DONT think about ELEPHANTS. Your thinking about elephants now.

What have the TV programmes Shameless, The Jeremy Kyle Show and Benidorm all have in common? They are all examples of modern British society

How many Santa Clauses does it take to change a light bulb? Santa Claus isn't real.

How did the man break his arm raking leaves? He fell out of the tree.

What do you say to the woman who just got raped? Nothing you just raped her

A guy walks into the bathroom, sits down and poops.

Why couldn't John play soccer? Because he was arrested for being black.

Dave Antliver was a longtime employee at the local dairy farm. He had long, grey, scraggly hair and old, cracked, circular-framed glasses and a straw, cowboy-style hat. He disliked his job, milking cows, because it was very repetitive and boring. His co-workers were smelly, loud and obnoxious. They gave him his name after he accepted a 5-dollar dare to swallow a handful of ants. The only enjoyment he got out of his day involved hiding from his despised wife, Muggly, and writing in his journal. Mr. Antliver took shelter in the faded-grey shed behind the house, it was his sanctuary. It stank of cat piss and many flying insects such as bees, wasps and hornets made their nest inside the shed. Antliver would lie down on the dusty, wooden floor, hiding under an old, tattered tarp in the shed to hide from the insects. This was quite successful, since he had only been stung a few times. In his journal, he wrote about a better life, one where he could participate in sexual intercourse with a shiny, magnificent ceiling fan; it was his fetish, his erotic pleasure. He knew that if he ever found one, he would name her Salikas. He needed Salikas to be a large fan, however, as participating in his favorite sexual activity would require her to be the dominant one. Antliver dreamed of Salikas, she had five aluminum, oval-shaped blades and most importantly, hung four feet below the ceiling when she spun, spinning at about 140 rpm. Antliver knew that if he could have Rotational Intercourse with Salikas, he would leave his dirty wife for good. Mr. Antliver took a broken, green crayon from his pocket and traced out a picture of sex with Salikas in his journal. After five minutes, his illustration was complete. In the picture, Dave was sitting on top of one of Salikas's blades while she was spinning, high above the ground. His penis was wrapped around that same blade, with sperm flowing down the fan blade and some of it flying into the air. A tear flowed down Antliver's cheek as he felt a strong craving for Salikas, while his erection begged him to find her. He peeked out from under the tarp in the shed and saw rain dripping down the shed window. The cloudy sky crackled with thunder. Antliver cried and whined for a few minutes, drenching his overalls in tears. He was 58 years old and had not yet found the love of his life. He then became silent, as an idea came to mind: he would measure the shed to see if he could mount Salikas on the ceiling. He examined his drawing and estimated that Salikas would take up about 4-5 feet in height, and require a 10-foot diameter, horizontal circle of space. He rummaged through the pile of clutter on the floor, pushing aside flower pots, the garden hose, porn magazines and beer bottles until finally, he found the measuring tape. He stood up with ambition, knocking over the grey trash can. He extended the yellow tape, holding it against the sides of the shed wall, checking for the highest inch-mark on the tape. "137 inches," he muttered to himself. After thinking for a second, Antliver shouted through his 10 teeth: "Yes! Baby, I can bring ya home!" All he had to do now is find his darling, his beloved angel. But where? He lived out in the country and he knew of no hardware or appliance stores where he could buy ceiling fans. Although his wife was a dirty rat who did nothing for him but steal his whiskey, Antliver did remember her talking about the Amazon, which one could use on a computer to order a wide variety of products, and have them delivered to his house. He and his (current) wife didn't own a computer, as they were quite poor. She couldn't produce much money from scrubbing toilets at the local elementary school so they couldn't afford one. She once told him that he might be able to use the Amazon if he hadn't blown all their savings on alcohol. That was the reality then, but not anymore. Antliver had a plan, he would get his hands on a computer, no matter what it takes. He thought of the surrounding area: there was Juggy's house, Marv and Gorgus's house, but most importantly: Stalpus's house! Stalpus was a longtime friend of Dave's who got his name from "stale pus," but Antliver didn't know nor care what that meant. All that mattered is that Stalpus had a computer. It then dawned on Antliver, he would go to Stalpus's house and ask if he could use the computer for a while. Due to Antliver's alcohol addiction, there was no money left to fix the ancient beaten-up car he owned. After travelling down the dirt road for an hour and a half, Antliver arrived at his friend's house. He knocked on the door, and after 10 seconds, Stalpus showed up. "What'dya want, ol' Dave?" "Stalpus, I needa use yer computer," Antliver replied. "Yeh, okay, Dave, why'dya need it?" "I needa find ma wife," Antliver replied. Stalpus snickered and replied: "But Dave, she's at yer house, ya nitwit." "No she ain't not!" Antliver shot back, angrily. "Whoa, settle doon, Davey, ya can use ma computer ta find her." 10 minutes later, Stalpus was directing Antliver to the Amazon website. "How'd I find a ceiling fan?" Antliver asked. "Just type it in dat box over dere." Antliver typed in "ceiling fan" and pressed enter. A large number of ceiling fans were found, to his excitement. He browsed for a few minutes and came upon a huge, 9-foot wide industrial fan. "Salikas!" he screamed, "I found ya, my love!" Beside the "Add to Cart" option, the price glared at Antliver: 299.99$! "Aw damnit, deez rascals want ma money for ma wife! It's a randsome! Oh fuck, she's bein' held hostage! I gotta get her back!" "Calm down, ya dumb ass, " pleaded Stalpus. "Ya just gotta pay for her." "I don't got the cash!" Antliver angrily shouted back. "Listen, ya said you were lookin' fer yer wife, not some stupid fan!" mocked Stalpus. Antliver growled, stood up and picked up the wooden chair below, lifting it over his head. He violently struck Stalpus over the head, knocking him to the floor. He brought the chair down over his friend's head several more times, leaving him with a fractured skull and a fatal amount of lost blood. Antliver hurled the blood-stained chair to the floor, braking off two of its legs. He then proceeded to scavenge the house frantically for money. 10 minutes later, he located a hidden box under Stalpus's bed, upstairs. It had a bunch of coins and bills cluttered inside. He began to count the wages when he heard the door downstairs swing open. "Stalpus, honey, I'm hom... AHHHHHHHH!" she shrieked, as she discovered the lifeless body of her husband. Antliver heard her rushed footsteps as she ran into the kitchen below. Briefly afterward, she was breathing heavily, desperately trying to reach the police via telephone. Antliver knew that he wouldn't have much time before the police would arrive at the residence. He snatched up the money in a hurry, stuffing it into the pocket of his overalls. He bolted down the stairs, and snagged the computer monitor, ripping the cord out of the wall, in front of Stalpus's wailing wife, who was pressed up against the wall, terrified by Antliver's presence. With his hands full, Antliver kicked open the wooden front door, fracturing it at the hinges, and darted down the dirt road. After running for a few minutes, Mr. Antliver heard sirens wailing in the distance over his loud panting. They were getting louder so he veered off into an open field, covered in sweat and wheezing but still jogging forward. The sirens were getting louder and judging by their sound, Antliver knew they would be on top of him soon. He took a glance over his shoulder and saw a police car screech to a stop on the side of the road. An officer was already running after him. "Hey, you, stop right there!" the policeman exclaimed as he began to chase Antliver. Panting heavily, Antliver's stamina began to fade; he could barely hold the computer monitor any longer. He could hear the officer's footsteps getting closer and closer. Antliver knew he couldn't outrun the officer, so he turned around and smashed the officer with the computer monitor. It was a clean hit to the right shoulder that staggered the policeman, who then clutched his shoulder in pain. After recoiling sideways, Antliver delivered another heavy blow, this time to the head. The officer dropped to the ground and screamed but managed to pull out his pistol, firing a shot into Antliver's chest before he could bring the monitor down again. Antliver stumbled and fell over. He dropped the monitor to his side, gravely injured. His journal fell out of his pocket in front of him. With his last breaths, Antliver flipped to the page with the picture of Salikas, his love. "My baby... I will... never give... up... on... y..." Those were his last words, he never got to see his true love, his beautiful, sexy, 5-bladed beauty.

a black man and a mexican are sitting in the back seat of a car....whose driving? the cop

Wait what? What if you use the what what? Sorry I am still like super hypnotic trippy, dont worry though, I dont want it to end.

Why does bobby have no friends? He's dead.

what happened to the mexican who dropped his ice cream at work? He got a raise, won the $5 billion jackpot, was given ten car dealerships, then died.

I was trying to think of a joke to write, but then I became unsatisfied with my creativity and began to spiral into a depressing tangent of thoughts. I just took 37 Ambien, and have approximately ten minutes to live. Instead, I will spend my last moments writing goodbye messages to friends on Facebook and longingly looking at images of the past. Goodbye, world.

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? Where's my tractor.

How do you kill 1000 Ethiopians? Push 1000 Ethiopians off a cliff

A man walks into a bar and probably sustains serious head injuries and possibly a concussion as most bars are usually made out of solid metals such as iron or steel and is therefore not permitted by his doctor to engage in sports or other rigorous activities for an allotted period of time depending on the degree of his injury.

Tom has 24 cupcakes Tom then ate 24 cupcakes what does Tom have? Diabetes Tom got diabetes

A long time ago there was a kid named John. It was John's first day of first grade. His teacher, Mrs. Jones, gave his class one homework assignment: Write down a word you've never heard before and tell me tomorrow. On the way home from school, John sees some kids playing basketball. The tallest kid shoots and misses and says "Purplefarkle!" When he gets home, John writes it down. The next day at school, Mrs. Jones asks the class to write their words down on the board. She asks John what word he found and he says "Purplefarkle." She slaps him across the face and sends him to Principal Zuckerman's office. When he gets to Principal Zuckerman's office, she asks him, "Why are you here?" John says, "Mrs. Jones gave us an assignment to write down a word we've never heard before, but when I told her, she slapped me across the face and sent me here!" She says, "Oh my! What word was it?" John says, "Purplefarkle." She looks angry, and slaps him across the face and expels him from school. When John gets home, his mom is surprised to see him back already. She says, "John, what are you doing at home? School isn't over for two more hours!" John says, "Well, Mrs. Jones gave us an assignment to write a word we've never heard before and tell it to her, but when I did, she slapped me across the face and sent me to Principal Zuckerman's office, and when I told her, she slapped me across the face and expelled me from school, and I don't know what this word means, I swear!" John's mom said, "I'll call the school, but first, tell me what word it was." John says, "Purplefarkle," and his mom slaps him across the face and says, "Go to your room! Just wait until your father gets home!" John goes to his room and waits for his dad to get home. When he does, he goes up to John's room and says, "John, your mother is hysterical, and she won't tell me what you've done. Could you explain what you've done?" John says, "Well, Mrs. Jones gave us an assignment to write a word we've never heard before and tell it to her, but when I did, she slapped me across the face and sent me to Principal Zuckerman's office, and when I told her, she slapped me across the face and expelled me from school, and when I told mom, she slapped me across the face and sent me to my room, and I still don't know what this word means, I swear!" His dad looks very serious, and asks him, "What was the word, John?" John says, "Purplefarkle." He slaps John and kicks him out of the house. John wanders around in the streets for a few hours, until it gets dark. Soon, a policeman stops him and says, "Son, what are you doing out here all alone, it's the middle of the night, shouldn't you be at home?" John says, "Well, my teacher Mrs. Jones gave us an assignment to write a word we've never heard before and tell it to her, but when I did, she slapped me across the face and sent me to Principal Zuckerman's office, and when I told her, she slapped me across the face and expelled me from school, and when I told mom, she slapped me across the face and sent me to my room, and when my dad got home, he slapped me across the face and kicked me out of my family, and I still don't know what this word means, I swear!" The policeman says to John, "Woah son, this is serious. I'll go talk to your parents about this, but first you have to tell me what the word was. "Purplefarkle." The policeman looks alarmed, grabs John, slaps him across the face, throws him onto the hood of the squad car, handcuffs him, and throws him into the back seat. The next day, John is in court. The judge is surprised to see a six year-old boy standing in front of him. He asks, "Little boy, is this a joke? What are you doing here?" John looks at him and says, "Well, my teacher Mrs. Jones gave us an assignment to write a word we've never heard before and tell it to her, but when I did, she slapped me across the face and sent me to Principal Zuckerman's office, and when I told her, she slapped me across the face and expelled me from school, and when I told mom, she slapped me across the face and sent me to my room, and when my dad got home, he slapped me across the face and kicked me out of my family, and when I told the policeman, he slapped me across the face and arrested me, and I still don't know what this word means, I swear!" Again, the judge was surprised at how much had happened to the boy in just a couple of days. He asked, "Could you tell me what the word was?" John said, "Purplefarkle." The judge leaped over his desk, and slapped John across the face, and sentenced him to 30 years in prison. ... 30 years later, John is finally let out of prison. He is sitting on a park bench, feeding the birds and squirrels, and feeling sad because he has no money, no home, no family, no car, and less than a first grade education. An old woman walks by and says to John, "You look so sad, is something wrong?" John takes a deep breath and says, "Well, my teacher Mrs. Jones gave us an assignment to write a word we've never heard before and tell it to her, but when I did, she slapped me across the face and sent me to Principal Zuckerman's office, and when I told her, she slapped me across the face and expelled me from school, and when I told mom, she slapped me across the face and sent me to my room, and when my dad got home, he slapped me across the face and kicked me out of my family, and when I told the policeman, he slapped me across the face and arrested me, and when I told the judge in court, he slapped me across the face and sentenced me to 30 years in prison, and now I have no money, no home, no family, no car, and less than a first grade education." The old woman says, "How dreadful! Would you tell me the word?" And John says, "Purplefarkle," and immediately cringes. "What," the woman says, "Did you think I was going to slap you? That word was very controversial 30 years ago. I could tell you anything you want about it, but I'm late for my hair appointment. Tell you what, meet me over there at the café across the street in one hour and I'll tell you anything you want to know." For the first time in 30 years, John is happy. He knows he's about to find out what the word that ruined his life means. All he can do is smile while he waits. After one hour, he starts to walk over to the café. While he's crossing the street he is hit by a bus and dies on impact. The moral of the story is: Always look both ways before crossing the street.

If all the world was like Jesus...wouldn't we all die on crosses?

Your mother is so fat, she tried to suicide because she was unhappy with her weight. She tried a diet and it didn't work; she suffers from depression and went to see a doctor about her weight. Life is getting worse for your mother and she is starting to develop diabetes. Your relatives and cousins are going to the hospital to visit her sometime this week; the doctor says she only has about a week left before she passes away.

Q: How do you kill an Asian? A: Deprive of calculator or shoot it.

Have you heard about the new German microwave? It's a great labour-saving appliance that cooks food much more quickly than a conventional oven

Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK! Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

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