What did the phone say to the man? Ring ring.

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A fifteen-year-old walks into a bar. He is told to leave by the tender because of his obvious prepubescent appearance, deeming him far from the legal age of drinking.

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What did the farmer say when his cow got stuck in a tree? Nothing, it didn't get stuck in the first place because cows are incapable of climbing trees.

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Your mama's so fat, she gets confused with Santa Claus.

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A man with Tourette's syndrome walks into a bar. Because of his disease, he shouts unexpected profanities across the room, and everybody in the bar bursts into laughter. The man cannot handle the humiliation anymore and goes home. He opens a drawer in his bedroom, pulls out a gun, and points it at his head. His wife walks in on him about to commit suicide. She is horrified. He then looks at her and then down, and he notices his one and only daughter by the age of 7 is by her side. The man ponders his reckless decision he was about to make. Moments later he and his family are holding one another sobbing in each others arms. A few days later the man goes back to the bar and shoots everybody there. Shocked and afraid, he curled up into a ball and regretted his decision. An hour later the police arrived and he was sentenced to life in prison for 3rd degree murder. His wife moved on and started a new family with his former best friend, and his daughter vists him every first tuesday of every other month. The man still suffers from Tourette's and cannot control his ticks and rots in jail. He continues to scream random obscenities for the rest of his life with no parole.

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walk into your friend’s house and say “what’s up with the dead guy out front?” (you have to murder a person for this joke to work)

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How do you get a plumber to cry? Kill his family

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What's better then 100 dead babies in a barrel 1 dead baby in 100 barrels

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What do you say when you see a flying donkey Wtf

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What happens when you park a new Cadillac with a roll of $100 dollar bills on the dashboard in a black neighborhod? Many residents of that peaceful community will briefly glance at it and admire the wealth of the automobile's owner.

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Steven Hawking walks into a bar. This of course is impossible, as his ailments prevent him from walking.

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Why do white people drive big trucks? 'Cause they can afford it.

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ASUS Live Update has stopped working.

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Who is married to Uncle Joke? Antijoke.

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A homeless guy on the brink of starvation found one dollar lying on the street. He took it and bought a lottery ticket at the local drugstore. God was looking down on him with pity that day and decided that day that he would no longer be a vagabond. The next day, the homeless man won the lottery jackpot, worth 100 million dollars. He declared that on that day, he was the luckiest and happiest man alive. He then woke up in a pile trash.

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A middle-aged white woman is walking toward a building, talking on her cellphone to a friend. She says, "Yes, I can meet you for lunch in a few hours. I have to go to the unemployment office to sign up for benefits. It's going to be horrible. It'll probably be full of black people." Standing in line, she is incredibly uncomfortable and horrified, because there is a black man right behind her, and she is stuck standing next to him for a long time. Finally it's her turn, and she steps up to the counter. The clerk asks her, "And what did you do for a living?" She answers, "I mopped the floors and cleaned the bathroom in a Blockbuster store that closed down." The clerk says, "Fill out this paperwork and take it to window #2." As she turns around, she is once more repulsed by the black man who is standing right there. Now that it's his turn, he steps to the counter, and the clerk asks him, "And what did you do for a living?" He answers, "I was the senior vice president of global strategic development for Eastman Kodak."

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a horse walks into a bar, the bartender says: why the long face? he has cancer

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Playing chess with a pigeon is like having an argument with a christian. No matter how good you are at chess, the pigeon will just knock over the pieces, crap on the board and strut around like it's victorious.

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John has 32 candy bars, he eats 28..what does he have now? Diabetes.

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Whats worse than finding a worm in your apple Finding 2 worms in your apple

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what is worst than finding a worm in your apple? finding half a worm in your apple

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Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and a ferrari? A: The dead baby was once alive, while the ferrari couldn't possibly have lived since it's a car and cars are inanimate objects.

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What looks like mud, smells like mud and eats mud? An African

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What did the lawyer say to a lawyer? We're both lawyers.

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Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

MOAR??

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