- Anti Joke

A duck walks into a bar and the bartender asks "What'll you have?" and the duck says "Quack". The bartender is then promptly fired and committed to the nearest mental institution for thinking that ducks can talk and order beer.

obama

What happened to the boy who ditched his friends and lied to them...? His appendix exploded.

Why did the boy scream? Because his girlfriend poked him in the butthole, which he was not expecting. Thus surprising him.

so a dyslexic man sold his soul to Santa

How do you kill somebody instantly? Make them smell Smelly mcD's socks.

Why didn't Erick have a party last week? Because his grandma died

A boy goes into a Bakery and asks for a loaf of bread, the baker asks him if he wants a white loaf or a Wholemeal loaf, the boy replies, "it doesn't matter i have my bike outside"

Q) what's black and white and red all over? A) a slaughtered zebra.

only one person get beat up chuck norris. Who you say? Bruce Lee. He got lucky because his eyes were closed.

knock! knock! whos there!?! abandoned baby!

Whats the difference between a black person and dirt? nothing

SCP-009-J is missing. Where has it gone? Is it under the table? Was it sat upon? Is it there on the ceiling? Is it under the rug? Was it gobbled right up by a quantum pillbug? Did it run through the tunnel? Did it fall down the stair? Was it sent back in time to a carnival fair? Did it get on a train to a far-away place? Is it locked in a falsified beacon from space? Did it fall in the oobleck and [DATA EXPUNGED]? If it clogged up the sink, will it have to be plunged? Just where has SCP-009-J gotten to? Oh wait, that's right! SCP-009-J is you!

Knock Knock trick or treats? here is the candies, have fun kids!

Two tigers, walking down Oxford St. One turns to the other & says, "Quiet for a Saturday, don't you think?"

what do you say to a black man with a Porsche? "hey man, i like your car."

How did Little Jimmie leave school? In a body bag.

So there's this Norwegian monk who grows carrots. He is world renowned for his carrots. They are known to be the juiciest, most delicious carrots on the face of the earth. He spends a large amount of his time in his garden, caring for his carrots. Well one day, while he is in said garden caring for his carrots, a thief jumps over the fence and steals 2 carrots. He looks up and makes eye contact with the monk, almost as if to say "hey... i've got your carrots". He then quickly turns and starts to break for the fence, which is now a considerable distance away as the garden doesn't start until a few hundred feet into the fence line. While the monk is a man of peace, he is not going to let some thief just waltz in and start stealing his carrots. These are, after all, the best carrots in the world. So the monk starts to give chase, but only 200 feet into the chase the monk is out of breath. The monk cannot run. So the monk starts getting in shape, practicing his 400 meter dash. Hour after hour, day after day, week after week. And he becomes so good, that he becomes the MONK CHAMPION that year in sprinting!! The next day, he is in his garden, caring for his carrots, and a thief jumps over the same spot in the fence, runs to the same patch of carrots, and again takes 2 carrots. Only 2. "This must be the same thief" thinks the monk (as all the mannerisms are exact matches). "He's not getting my carrots this time" - the monk well knowing he is the monk champion in sprinting. So the thief turns to make a break for the fence, but the monk gives steady chase. He is not far behind when the thief gets to the fence, and simply leaps over. The monk is stuck. He can't jump. So the monk starts practicing hurdles.. hour after hour, day after day, weak after week. He becomes so good at hurdling that he becomes the monk champion that year in hurdles!! The next day he is in his garden, caring for his carrots, when of course, the same thief jumps over the fence, and takes TWO CARROTS. He again looks the monk in the eyes, almost as to say "I will steal your carrots forever monk". So the monk gives chase. He is gaining pretty well on the thief.. I mean.. he was monk champion earlier that year in sprinting. As they get to the fence the thief jumps over, and looks behind him with a smirk. But to his surprise, the monk hurdles over the fence with the greatest of ease. The monk is really gaining on the thief now. They run through the forest, the monk so ready to finally catch his thief, and put his questions to bed. Now just 20 or 30 feet behind the monk, they come to the lake behind the monks house. Monk can't swim. So the monk starts taking swimming lessons, hour after hour, day after day, week after week, and he actually becomes the MONK CHAMPION that year in Monk swimming. So the next day he is in his garden, caring for his carrots, when the SAME THIEF jumps over the fence and takes TWO CARROTS. They exchange eye contact and the chase begins. They run, they jump, they run, and then come to the lake. The thief jumps in and starts swimming away, but this time... well THIS TIME the monk is RIGHT BEHIND the thief. The thief is practicing breast stroke, while the monk utilizes dolphin swim. They make their way out of the lake, the monk now just steps behind the thief as they come to the mountain. MONK CAN'T MOUNTAIN CLIMB. So the monk starts practicing mountain climibing. Hour after hour, day after day, week after week, and you know what? He becomes MONK CHAMPION that year in mountain climbing!!! So the next day the monk is in his garden, caring for his carrots, when as expected, the same thief jumps over the fence, steals two carrots. Always two. It is clear now to the monk that, the thief could hold more carrots, and he's obviously physically fit.. why not take more? Two carrots alone cannot feed a family, or generate significant profit. It is this question most which bothers the monk. Why always two? Eager to have his question answered the chase ensues, and they run, and they jump, and they swim, and they run some more to the base of the mountain, the monk now just steps behind the thief. As the thief makes his way up the mountain, he pretentiously looks behind him with a smile, only to realize the monk is now an arms reach behind him! As they reach the summit, the monk FINALLY GRABS THE THIEF. Ready for some answers he flips the thief around. And as he does the thief judo chops the monk. MONK DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO FIGHT! So the monk starts practicing karate, hour after hour, day after day, week after week. And guess what. He becomes MONK CHAMPION that year in karate?!?! Simply amazing, all that this monk has accomplished. So the next day, the monk is in his garden, caring for his carrots, and the same thief jumps over the fence, as always, takes two carrots, as always, and begins to break for the fence. The chase is on, and the monk is ready for answers. They run, they jump, they swim, they run some more, they mountain climb, and at the summit, the monk again GRABS the thief and flips him around! The thief, in a display of desperation, DOUBLE JUDO CHOPS the monk, but the monk, crafty now in karate, blocks both chops and swiftly leg sweeps the thief to the ground. It is done. The thief is on the ground, the monk standing over him breathing heavy, comes down to one knee, and grabs the thief by the shirt, and pulls his back off the mountain so that their eyebrow lines meet, in a stare which can be compared to that of koala bear (relentless). The monk says to the thief "I don't care who you are... I don't care where you are from" ....... "just tell me why. Why always two carrots!? What are you doing, that you always need... TWO... CARROTS?!?". The thief now realizing his days of carrot thievery are over, complies with the monks wishes. He says to the monk "ok. I will tell you. But. This is so embarrassing. My actions with these carrots so unthinkable. The deeds so unimaginable... you have to promise never to tell anyone!" And the monk never did.

why did the woman cross the road? to get groceries for making more sandwiches.

What's better than a worm in your apple? No worms in your apple.

One time I went into a haunted house. It was just pretend ghosts but then I saw a real ghost there. It was scary.

Sorry boss

Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new house? You haven't? Well neither has he

What do you call a man with no arms or legs floating on the water? Dead.

Anti Joke

What are Antijokes? Anti Jokes (or Anti Humor) is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.

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NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK! Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!

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